Luminescence

Kingdom Hearts Wiki usernames shall be used.

TroisNyxÉtienne : Whatcha up to ?
Anti-ant : nuffin much just chillin
TroisNyxÉtienne : Mm.
Anti-ant : i found tt im not supposed to be alive
TroisNyxÉtienne : ?
Anti-ant : yea. isnt tt something ?
TroisNyxÉtienne : Not supposed to be alive ??
Anti-ant : i found out tt i almost drowned more than once, and then i got ran over by a motorcycle, got hit in the head with a bowling ball
TroisNyxÉtienne : That'd mean you're SUPPOSED to be alive - every attempt at taking your life was unsuccessful
Anti-ant : and got my head slammed through glass. yea but tts cuz i got lucky. but i almost drowned 3 times
TroisNyxÉtienne : You can't get lucky more than once, can you ?
Anti-ant : yes
TroisNyxÉtienne : So
Anti-ant : i drowned 3 times
TroisNyxÉtienne : And you came out alive.
Anti-ant : i got shot in the neck by a be be gun. ETA : yea i guess
TroisNyxÉtienne : And you came out alive. So that could only mean that you're SUPPOSED to be alive. Nothing else can take you away. No one else. Only the one person up there.
Anti-ant : tts not how it’s been looking so far. i got my ribs stomped in too, so i ve heart problems now
TroisNyxÉtienne : Yep, but think again :
Anti-ant : yea but tts wt would’ve killed me and its like it made me weaker
TroisNyxÉtienne : think about the number of people who could look up to you for all those things
Anti-ant : nobody
TroisNyxÉtienne : You're alive because of THAT. I frequently say…
Anti-ant : cause no one ever really talks to me
TroisNyxÉtienne : …that no one would ever listen to me because thus far, no one ever has.
Anti-ant : exactly. tts how it is with me
TroisNyxÉtienne : But you never know what's bound to happen in the span of a day, let alone a week
Anti-ant : yea i guess
TroisNyxÉtienne : I never knew I was going to have to chide you like this ! So if you feel the walls are closing on you and you look at life and see how it sucks...
Anti-ant : but it’s been about the whole school year and barely anyone's said anything to me
TroisNyxÉtienne : Well, I practically got rejected in college after 1 1/2 years
Anti-ant : i dont really have a choice but to look at a dreary wall
TroisNyxÉtienne : Same here, but I'm going on
Anti-ant : why ? i try to go on but they keep bringin me down
TroisNyxÉtienne : You know what I tell myself everyday ? Even if I don't feel like it ?
Anti-ant : wt?
TroisNyxÉtienne : I've got a life to live. I have a reason to be here.
Anti-ant : yea
TroisNyxÉtienne : And even if people don't listen to me now, the time will come when they will. Only a few people in the world walk the talk about who they are and what they want to be
Anti-ant : i hope the same goes for me
TroisNyxÉtienne : It will.
Anti-ant : i guess so
TroisNyxÉtienne : It's a question of how strong we both are
Anti-ant : yea. i hope it will.
TroisNyxÉtienne : Okay, give yourself a challenge (the same will apply to me too): for the next three months, I know it's gonna be difficult to find yourself. But whenever you have the chance to reach out to someone, do it.
Anti-ant : ok
TroisNyxÉtienne : I'm going to do the same, when I go for my National Service.
Anti-ant : I’ll keep tt in mind
TroisNyxÉtienne : Then, at the end of 3 months, tell me how it all went. I'll tell you my side of the story and believe me…
Anti-ant : but then the people in my school most of them are my enemies, to say the least
TroisNyxÉtienne : …there might not be much difference between both our stories. Well, it's just as bad over here. Not to mention that I'm dealing with 94% of Malaysians who can't change their minds about things
Anti-ant : but i try to be nice to them no matter wt but they make it tougher and tougher for me
TroisNyxÉtienne : Ya gotta try
Anti-ant : yea but we try to help them cause we’re nice, but some things just can’t be helped
TroisNyxÉtienne : I could easily whimper if the same thing happens to me, can I not ? The same thing has happened to me : I've been used by lots of people. But there are still some hearts we can move. If not all people can be moved, try some
Anti-ant : yea i guess so
TroisNyxÉtienne : And believe me, those few people you help are the people who might just as well remember you for the rest of their lives. I'm trying to give myself hope too. These past few days - weeks, in fact, have been very dreary.
Anti-ant : yea. same for me
TroisNyxÉtienne : And this, is the product of depression : (post was removed) We won't wanna go living like this all the time, would we ? You're misunderstood. So am I. And I'm not saying it's easy to go on, because I know it isn't. The very challenge right in front of us is learning how to live

He read the post and…

Anti-ant : yea… hey, tnx for helping me out. i feel better now
TroisNyxÉtienne : Don't mention it. That's the least I can do.
Anti-ant : ur the best
TroisNyxÉtienne : ::hug:: you rock too. See, I never thought of it this way, but He gives me strange occasions where I can move people, like now. The same might happen with you too ?


At a time when all seemed to have been lost, at a time when I was giving up hope, there came an occasion where I had to cheer somebody up. Somewhere, someone needs some reassurance, and in this case, it was a friend of mine.

Our lives have depressions. Some could be extreme. But how do we live after that ?

I praise and thank the Lord for giving me this wonderful opportunity to give this friend (and myself) some hope to carry on when things seem so bleak ahead of us.

It's one in the morning and I'm still on KHLegacy

It's one in the morning, experimental roleplay has just begun on Kingdom Hearts Legacy, and I'm indebted to the core team - Tipero, Siegfried and Noah - for working together with me and helping me face my darkness.

It's one in the morning, and even if I may be physically alone and dad's fast asleep, I know how much he reassures me that he loves me. I know there are friends who aren't gonna give up on me. And I know there are friends whom I have estranged over the years, whom I want to get back to. There are my teachers, whom I look up to and adore, and call "teachers" for a reason. These friends are emblazoned on gold cards in my mind. Gold, no less.

It's one in the morning, and I know I have nothing to fear because I am now fully dependent on the Holy Spirit. Whilst I was struggling to live my life, whilst I was struggling with the people around me, God spoke to me through two people I know - and I know I'm not alone anymore.

It's one in the morning, and if people do say anything, does it matter ?

I have You. And all of my friends, emblazoned on gold cards in my memory.

I have You.

I'm not gonna give up. Not now. I'm not gonna show signs of defeat. If there are tears, let them fall only when I need to be emotional. The Holy Spirit is going to guide my every thought, word and deed. This body of mine is going to be the temple of the Lord. On Easter this year, I will be a year older. Right now, I will live my life as close as possible to the way He wants me to live. And when Easter comes, I will contemplate the resurrected Lord. The times and tides have fallen right into place to teach me things that no one else may know.

The Lord is by my side, and I know I have a renewed heart and a strengthened resolve. I am going to win this battle.

In class with DK, in perfect ministering

It was like all those other Thursdays I have lived ever since March 2004. I had class with DK. And today, during my grammar exercises, we talked about the Datukship. For starters (and non-Malaysians), "Datuk" is an honorary title bestowed upon someone who has greatly contributed to the country, just like "Sir" is to the British.

So anyway. DK and I talked. He seemed kinda fascinated by the idea of getting such a title...... Here's the translated version of what we said (the French version can be found on Jeunesse) :

DK : It must be fun receiving a Datukship, eh. Everyone respects you. And imagine if I were to receive the title. "Datuk Daniel." Heh, sounds nice, I'd say !
troisnyx* : You tyke. If I were you, I wouldn't even contemplate getting such a title.
DK : What, you don't even want to be recognised and stuff ?
troisnyx* : Even if it means remaining as I am without the extra honour, no.
DK : You're weird. Anyway, tell me. Why ?
troisnyx* : Haven't you read the papers somewhere around last year ? It was reported that for every 1000 people, there is a Datuk. So they aren't few and far between.
DK : So, now that the population here is 27 million, there'll be..... 27 000 Datuks ??
troisnyx* : Exactly. And you and I notice this and know this full well : some of them just don't deserve the title.
DK : Well, you could always prove yourself worthy of the title... can't you ?
troisnyx* : No. Here's another thought : for the most of us, we're a rather complacent lot. Be it Datuk, Datuk Sri, Tan Sri or even the highest of titles - Tun - if one receives a title, there we go - all the work is just left behind. Most of us would bask in the glory, respect, recognition and money which come with it. Surely there are exceptions to the general rule, but I can't be like them. I'm only a humble servant of the world. My mission of restoring justice to Malaysia, my mission of reuniting people all over the world with my music, these will only end when my life ends. And as long as I live, I'll never accept a title. This is my promise.

And with that, the vow was made.

I believe that a vow, no matter where it is made, is sacred. Whether it is made in church, or at home, or even in college, we are doing it in the presence of God, because He is omnipresent. Well of course, doing it in church heightens the sacredness of a vow. I made my vow not to receive titles like these at home. I must keep this covenant for as long as I live. If anyone tells me I'm weird because of this vow, I'm proud of it. Why should I conform to the traits of this world, when I know a better recompense is waiting for me up there ?

Well, that must've talked some sense into DK. He finally gave in. For once.

Why I shall not do family law

DK and I met up for C2 preparations, yet again. He's adamant about getting a divorce. His wife didn't want to live with him and the kids anymore - I didn't probe any further into the case. Apparently he had trouble with his previous lawyer, who was good but talked him against divorcing.

That lawyer, like me, is a staunch Catholic Christian.
And this is the reason why I won't take up family law.

In some cases in family law, we unite, no doubt ; but in some, we break up families based on evidence. How sure are we that that evidence is always true ? This is the thing about the adversorial system - like the English legal system. Like ours.

And we Catholic Christians believe and abide by the rule that divorce is a sin.

Just to quote a passage from scripture (Mark 10:2-12) - the heading is "Jesus Teaches about Divorce" :

Some Pharisees came to Jesus and tried to trap him. "Tell us," they asked, "does our Law allow a man to divorce his wife?"

Jesus answered with a question, "What law did Moses give you ?"

Their answer was, "Moses gave permission for a man to write a divorce notice and send his wife away."

Jesus said to them, "Moses write this law for you because you are so hard to teach. But in the beginning, at the time of creation, 'God made them male and female,' as the scripture says. 'And for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one'. So they are no longer two, but one. Man must not separate, then, what God has joined together."

When they went back into the house, the disciples asked Jesus about this matter. He said to them, "A man who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against his wife. In the same way, a woman who divorces her husband and marries another man commits adultery."

Now, let us return to the dissolution of familes through family law.

From the wedding vows taken on the altar - "I, (name), take you (name), to be my husband/wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honour you all the days of my life," we can see how sacred marriage is, and how even more sacred the familial institution is.

If a postmarital breakup ensues, what happens to the part where spouses are supposed to be true to each other at all times ? What happens to the part where spouses are supposed to love each other all the days of their lives ?

Simply put, a divorce is a breakage of marital vows taken before God, it is a movement of disunity, it is a lack of forgiveness and patience (as in most cases where breakups end in animosity), it is a loss of trust and prudence, it could be the shirking of a responsibility (as in the case of a spouse leaving the children altogether) - a complicated mixture of sins - and the very fact that vows are broken enhances the sinful nature of divorce.

Even if I'm one of those who don't interpret the Bible literally (I interpret it in a humanitarian way like most Christians do), I believe this statement holds truth - and I've seen with my very own eyes how this actually happens.

I would not want to drive the children to resentment seeing their father and mother living in separate houses, not talking to each other, when both parents know the children need their love.

I would not want to see more animosity in the courtroom because adversorial proceedings are very heated - in fact, more heated than inquisitorial proceedings. Anger gives way to anger and hate gives way to even more hate, creating a scene in the courtroom. And if anger and hate are supreme, it'll lead the two disputing spouses to sin even more. Anger is one of those mortal sins which we are all guilty of ; and if we're angry because we thirst for what is right - that is a different case in itself. Here, we see anger and hate in the dissolution of a familial institution.

I would not want to see some kids bear the hardship of living with bad stepmothers/stepfathers. I know one of my Form 5 classmates lived with divorced parents and well, let's just put it this way : life is hell.

I would not want to be held responsible for a scene where the children have actually grown up and realised that their parents did not honour their vows to be with each other. Oh, I've seen some of these parent-child disputes before. Some of them can be deadly.

See, I just don't get it. That lawyer of his is a Catholic Christian and is doing family law. If she actually decided to take it up and make it her forte, she should know the temptations which come along with it - like divorce proceedings, for example. If we believe that what God has joined, man shall not divide ; if we believe in the sacrament of holy matrimony, if we believe that our mission is to unite and not disunite, then it is best not to even step into the domain of family law ! She has skills of advocacy ; she can always delve into another domain !

Dad advised me against family law. I will heed that advice. And then again, if my musical mission is to unite people around the world, it'll do me no justice if I delve into family law and be responsible for separating people through my rhetoric - and, it'll also put me out of favour with God.

Having said this, I pray God that when the time comes, I'll find the right one - I know there is a right one - and I will love and honour him all the days of my life, just as mom honoured and loved dad all the days of her life.

[dengarlah suara semangat waja]

Dad and I were stuck in the KL Sentral railway station, waiting for Narin to come. More than half an hour had passed, and by the time she came, it was ten minutes to six.

We arrived in church at six, only to hear the priest and the congregation say "I confess to Almighty God........" I knew I was late.

I started to despair. Could life get any worse than this ?

Thing is, I didn't attend sunset mass for four consecutive weeks due to dad's work. It was almost always Sunday morning mass. Only because today, the Sunset Band was helping out with another worship team, God's Gentle Garden, which was lacking members, I decided to join them for mass. Dad came back late last night - or early this morning - at 1:00 a.m. so I thought I'd give him a rest too.

Anyway. Back to where I was. I was despairing. I had already come late, the seats for the singers were full, the synth was off and I had no part to play ! I felt quite bitter that I couldn't concentrate in the first reading (the leader of God's Gentle Garden, Fred, was so kind to pass me a chair).

Then, I heard the second reading. It was very familiar : it came from the Acts of the Apostles. I did that book, along with the Gospel of St Luke, for SPM Bible Knowledge. I listened attentively. It was about St Paul, and how he told his story : he was walking with an order in writing to capture the early Christians and persecute them (by persecuting, I mean torturing and killing). At that moment in time, he was making his way to Damascus. Then a bright light shone on him, and he was overcome by it that he fell to the ground. A voice called out to him. And Paul said :

Paul : Who are you ?
Jesus : I am Jesus, whom you persecute.

And Jesus told him to go to the city of Damascus, where he would later receive orders from a man named Ananias. He was blinded by that bright light that people had to take him by the hand. Consequently, when Paul was finally taken to Damascus, he met Ananias. Ananias, who was a man of God, touched Paul's eyes, and a film-like material, like fish scales, fell off his eyes, and he could see again.

Immediately with that miracle, Paul understood that God had called him, of all people, a murderer and persecutor of God's faithful, to turn over a new leaf and preach the Good News ! And so Paul did, trusting in God every step of the way, and it was with God's grace that he continued his work and that he had an honest maintenance. And everyone, from Jerusalem right up to Rome, was astounded and awestruck at the change of heart in Paul. The thing about Paul is that before all this happened, he caught, bound, tortured, killed, and witnessed the deaths of the early Christians by the thousands. If God saw a redeeming factor in Paul and made him His chosen servant, He can do the same in us.

This thought me one thing : God calls everyone by name - you and me, for a purpose, and no matter how sinful we are, He still loves us and wants to use us for His glory. And thus, we should trust in God, even in the midst of despair.

So I did. I did my best to clear my mind. And when the bread and wine were being offered up on the altar (we believe it is the sacramental presence of the Body and Blood of Christ), I felt rather calm.

Would you believe it, the next moment, instead of not having a part to play in the worship team, I played four hymns in a row !

I was overjoyed. And so I did, just as I would do in any worship team : I played with all my heart. I gave my all for Him. I know the people in God's Gentle Garden were very impressed with my playing back there, and they even complimented me and all, but this is not really my doing. It's God's. I trusted in Him. And He made my day. I came out of church, all smiles - it was a job well done on everyone's part. :)

Thank you, Lord. Incomplete as my love is, I love You.

P.S. "Dengarlah suara semangat waja" translates loosely to "So hear our song sung with spirits strong" - these are part of the lyrics of my school song.

Excuse-moi ?

Narin, dad and I were in church. The first person to go up and read the Scriptures had this really bald (as in egg-bald) head. His head was shining, but I couldn't care less. Dad and Narin were both laughing when they saw the guy coming down from the pulpit after reading a passage from the Bible. I was wondering what tickled them so much, and I asked :

troisnyx* : What're you laughing at ?
Narin : The guy reading the Bible is bald !
troisnyx* : And so ?
Narin : (still laughing) He polished his head !
troisnyx* : Excuse-moi ?

I couldn't care less about anyone's appearance. Come to think of it, just about anyone can laugh at me for centre-parted hair, a badly blemished face, body acne and thunder thighs. So what if that guy's bald ? He had the courage to stand up in front of everyone and tell people the Good News. That is plausible.

I hardly find anyone repulsive to the eye. Unless of course, he has an evil look. Everyone is beautiful - that too, if they know full well how to manage themselves. God has never judged anyone by appearance or grooming, or even the number of hairs on the head. He loves everyone. So I don't like it, and I especially don't understand why people cast dispersions on others based on appearance.

Christmastide draws to a close

It isn't exactly twelve days after Christmas, but yes, Christmastide is about to draw to a close. Today is the feast of the Epiphany.

For starters, it commemorates the day the three wise men, or Magi, came to visit the newborn Jesus. The scriptures (especially the Gospel according to Mark) say that these wise men came from the east - chances are that they could've come from Babylon, all the way to Bethlehem, to pay homage to Him.

They came from a foreign land to witness the birth of a foreign king.

We wouldn't care less if a king was born elsewhere. If a king was born in our country, we'd pray for health and blessings over the royal family, perhaps.

But what made this visit all the more special, what proved Jesus Christ to be the Universal King is this : the three Magi were directed to His place of birth by a star.

Now, a star is something that no country can own. A star doesn't belong to Malaysia or Singapore or Japan or whatever country in the world. Everyone can see the same stars in the sky. We are all bound by the same sky, and the same destiny. And if these three wise men crossed the boundaries of their time just to visit the Christ, then it is only clear that Christ is the Universal King.

And, by the light of that same star, it is also made clear that nothing can separate us from the love of God. No, not race, not colour, not nationality. We are all equal.

So, the question I'd like to pose is this : Why do we accept this fact readily, but when we step out of church, we are so prejudiced towards one another ? We judge ! We condemn !

Why do we accept this fact readily, but the moment we step into our homes and our sons/daughters say that their love of their lives is of a different ethnic group, all hell breaks loose ?

Why is there indifference towards others' sufferings ?

Why the f*ing hell is there war ?

Perhaps this fact hasn't sunken into our minds yet. We need to hold this fact in our hearts and cherish it from the rest of our lives. And I need to be reminded of it constantly.

Now, repeat after me : Nothing, not even race, religion, nor nationality, no economic or social status, can separate us from the love of God.

Almost like any other day

While I was sharing the joy of Christmas with my Sunset Band friends, I noticed dad sulking away in a corner. In fact, he was almost silent.

Okay, maybe I understand, the mourning just isn't over.

But here's a thought :

Christmas is about Christ's coming into my heart. Into our hearts, to be more precise. And because Christ Jesus is in my heart there's this joy in me. My grief may be heightened a little by the fact that mom's not around with us anymore. But then, she'll know better : she knows that Christmas is about His coming into our hearts ; she would've wanted us to be happy. And so I'm trying. It's an uphill task, and I've been holding back the tears ten times already, but I'm not giving up. So I think it'd be a stupid question if anyone were to ask me "Why the f* are you so happy when you should be mourning ?"

After all, didn't Jesus himself say in the Beatitudes, "Blessed are those who mourn, for one day, they shall laugh." I'm trying my very best to remain joyful with hopes that the night will soon pass by and that the nyx* component in troisnyx* will be a part of history.

(Oh, perhaps, he hasn't got Christ in his heart. Tant pis.)

Aujourd’hui est le 24 décembre…

It's Christmas Eve. Time flies, doesn't it ?

Now, I did mention to a few people that I'll be putting this post up today.
It's for all of us - those who celebrate Christmas, those who don't ; those who are struggling to find the real meaning of Christmas, those who are caught up in commercialism.

If I mention the word "Christmas" to some people, the first thing they'd think of is Santa Claus. Oh, and perhaps all that merrymaking. To be honest, I feel that there's nothing wrong with the merrymaking, but lest we forget what Christmas is all about...

For the true meaning of Christmas is much deeper, and I hope it may hold the same depth for you as it does for me.

A long time ago, in a city called Nazareth...

...there was this teenaged girl, a virgin, called Mary. One day, the angel Gabriel came to her and proclaimed, "Hail, full of grace, the Lord is with you !" Mary was shocked. She wondered, what could this mean ? The angel went on to tell her that she had won God's favour, and that she would give birth to a son, and call him Jesus, and that he will be great, every knee would bow at the mention of His name - for he is the Son of God. So Mary, being a virgin, asked, how is this possible ? The angel Gabriel gave her assurance that with God, everything is possible : her cousin Elizabeth, who was old, was already six months pregnant.

And so Mary said, "I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let what you said be done unto me." The angel left her.

Mary was betrothed to Joseph, a man of the House of David. Now, the time came for Mary to have her child. Mary and Joseph travelled far - to a city called Bethlehem. At that time there was a census going on - it was issued by the Emperor of Rome, and each person had to be registered in his own birthplace. Joseph, being of the House of David, went to Bethlehem.

They found an inn, but they were turned out by the innkeeper, who said there was no room left for them.

Distraught and in pain, where could they go ?

They found a stable - a really lowly place. There were donkeys and sheep, fodder and... foul-smelling food in that stable. Mary and Joseph spent the night there.

That night, Mary gave birth to a son, just as the angel Gabriel told her. She wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger - a feedbox for all those animals. But the baby, the Son of God, slept soundly in heavenly peace and didn't cry. There was a throng of the heavenly host, singing aloud in praise, "Glory to God in the highest, and peace to all men who enjoy His favour." There were shepherds outside the stable, and when they heard the angelic choirs they came into the stable, saw the child lying in the manger, and paid homage to him.

That same night, there was this huge star in the sky which moved eastward. Three wise men saw that star and pursued it. After a long journey, they saw that the star rested above the stable where the child was born.

The three wise men met Mary and Joseph and the child. They bowed down in adoration and presented the child with three gifts :

gold, because he is a king.
frankincense, because he is God.
myrrh, because he was to die for us.

*pause a moment*






The prophet Isaiah mentioned that the child would be given many names : Wonder-Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace. Isn't it happening today ?

The Christmas story is this, the Word of God made flesh. The Christmas story is the birth of a child, the birth of a king. The Christmas story is the birth of Christ, God made man.

Writing this post made me enthralled, once again. No doubt, I'm excluding myself from all that merrymaking because we're still grieving over mom's death. But as I type these words, I am reminded of the fact that in Christ, I am made whole. True, I miss mom and I love her, and there's sorrow all around for me. But then, as the book of Acts says, "In Him we live and breathe and exist." I pray for Him to come into my heart this Christmas.

And, when I think of the Christmas story, another thing which comes to mind is the Christmas carol "Little Drummer Boy."

Imagine : a boy, poor in spirit, unable to give the Lord anything except what lies in his heart, willingly gives the Lord his rhythms. And he is in favour with the Lord. The child Jesus smiles at him. I hope to be in the same position someday. My heart pounds away. I can feel it. And sometimes, I try to imitate it, but I can't. No matter what I play, or how I play, I know He hears me as I beat my drums. It'd be an honour... if I can be His drummer girl someday.

I can't believe it's already the fourth Sunday in Advent

Father Simon Lebrooy and his wackiness on the pulpit... I tell you !

See, it so happened that we were in church this morning and not everyone was spiritually prepared for the coming of Christ at Christmas. And so during the homily, Father Simon said :

"While I was at the seminary, we used to celebrate our festivities with so much joy and... you know lah. And the bishop told us, 'There's a vast difference between a holiday and a holy day ! When it's a holiday you can go anywhere you want and get away with it. When it's a holy day you have to be spiritually prepared, even if you aren't going anywhere !'"

Which reminds me, everytime when I see promotions for the Christmas season everyone uses "holiday promotions". To all of us, do we know the true meaning of Christmas - the commemoration of the birth of Christ Jesus ? Are we taking it as a holy day ? Or just another public holiday ?

As bleak as this year's Christmas may be, I want it to be a holy day.

Come into my heart, O Lord.

troisnyx*, the drummer

When I came back from college today, I went straight to the common room and did what I yearned to do the whole morning : I played the drums.

Today's just one of those days where Narin could hear me. Whenever she isn't here, I go to that lonely little corner and play the drums alone. But however solitude quips me, however sadness takes over, I do know that someone's listening to me from up there. And I'm yet to know what that someone says about my beats.

True, I may have lacked the emotion I used to have (because the way I look at it, I'm progressing at a snail's pace), I may not have felt it this way before, but come to think of it, every beat is a prayer. At night, I either say my prayers aloud or silently. But when I'm in that room, my emotions, my thoughts, my requests, all these are not said - they are beaten out. Deep inside this heart of mine, I yearn to play the drums well, and I make a solemn promise that if I do, I will drum for His cause.

I beat my drums with hopes that someone will hear me out someday.
I beat my drums knowing that an answer is on the way.

Do the right thing - which IS the right thing ?

With each passing day, when newer civilisations develop and new statutes are implemented into the legal system, we ironically become more and more uncivilised.

The trees and flowers were abundant at one time - for our own good, but if we were not going to use that wood, what did we do ? We cut it down, burned the entire forest and made it into a township.

We find people going against the law of Nature by becoming one with another person of the same sex - and we don't know how far it is right. We relent when people say "It's a right," "What we do in private is none of your concern," but are we doing the right thing by letting them off ? This situation has become so complicated that in places around the world, there're laws protecting these people who go against the law of Nature.

We can't decide whether to be kind based on merit or be kind because that is what God wants of us all the time.

Whenever we're under the influence of the media, we don't know whether to defend them or criticise them. The facts these days have become distorted that we don't know whether someone is really charitable, or is doing all these things for the sake of charity. And yes, there's a difference between the two. Where the media are used for propaganda, we don't know who to believe, but just because we are free-spirited and in dire need of someone to run the country well, we believe.

And when we are kind and understanding because we want to be kind unto others, we never know what kind of trap is set before us. Is it the acceptance of something which is morally wrong ? Is it the acceptance of a person's side of the story, which is untruthful ?

Why is there such a heavy emphasis on paper qualifications when we know full well that these qualifications alone do not define who we are ?

We are told not to judge others for God will judge us equally at the end of time ; but where is the line between judging and telling others that this particular deed is wrong ? Where is the line between condemning and criticising ?

Are we saved by grace, or are we saved by our own good deeds ?
Or both ?

This entire world has become a blur, the church (never mind about the denomination) struggles with issues of morality, doctrine and power (as Yvonne Foong puts it), but I choose to live in the life that the Lord has given me. I believe in God, and His reasoning for putting me in this time zone. And with that, I perceive that there are absolute morals - rules which define explicitly what is right and what is wrong.

The truth about the world is such : this folly has come about because of sin, and sin has distorted everything - even the way we see things, even if we mean it for the betterment of ourselves. People say that the laws change with the times because people adapt to new situations very quickly, but that does imply that there are no absolute morals.

For me, I'll live as I live today - after all, when I first started receiving Holy Communion, the reality dawned upon me and it still stays with me now - God is in me. I believe that life is a choice : you can choose to believe or not to believe in His presence. You can choose life or you can choose death. You can choose to mean well when hurting someone's feelings, or you can choose to mean ill when flattering someone to the extreme. Which is the right thing ? (And here, I won't be saying "Which is the right thing for you ?" because I believe that there are absolute morals.) I choose life. And I choose to tell people if what they do is wrong - because after all, no matter who we are, we are all the Body of Christ, and I can't bear to see the Body of Christ being segregated by sin.

St Paul says, "To live is Christ, to die is gain."

Lock these words in my heart...

I met my childhood friend Kiran online, after days of being “away.” She and I went for catechism together ever since we were 7, she and I got confirmed together. I did not want to skip a year where I could have (I skipped Year 4 in primary school) – primarily because, with God, there is no double promotion ! And also, I wanted to be with her. Our friendship grew, and more often than not, we would be sitting at the same desk in class. However, with the cell groups the Confirmation Course made, we were split. We did find opportunities to get together every now and then. I have not met her for a whole year, imagine !

Anyway, she was among the first to get news of my mom’s death. So when I caught her online…….

troisnyx* 11.30 (Emo.) says:
hey. how ya been ?
Msn spazzed connection spazzed says:
I'm okay
troisnyx* 11.30 (Emo.) says:
=)how're trials ?
Msn spazzed connection spazzed says:
they were over a long time ago ^-^
how are you holding up?
troisnyx* 11.30 (Emo.) says:
slightly better I guess. less crying. more urges to play drums. I don't know how well I'm holding up
Msn spazzed connection spazzed says:
*squishy hugs* Wanting to move forward is a pretty good indication : )
You're a fantastic drummer
I've heard you play
troisnyx* 11.30 (Emo.) says:
you really think so ? I've heard much better ones than me. =(
Msn spazzed connection spazzed says:
well, I've seen better artists than me but it doesn't stop me from drawing : )
troisnyx* 11.30 (Emo.) says:
I guess.
Msn spazzed connection spazzed says:
*hugs*

Truth be told, I'm not fantastic. In fact, I always think of myself as the worst drummer around. But she has seen me play the drums (i.e. my first attempt) during the Confirmation retreat in Cameron Highlands. After all the remarks from everyone around me, which put me down, I found solace in her words. Lock those words in my heart, and help me carry on !

By the way, Kiran is one superb manga artist. Her added ability to speak Japanese gives her the freedom to discover more mangas than us English-speakers can, and she draws her faces in a signature heart shape (which I have never seen in many other artists). She did so many sketches of the girls’ group during last year’s Confirmation retreat. And we spent time together like never before. Not only did we have intellectual talks about God and about national issues (the #1 issue at that time was the Lina Joy case), she shared with me her thoughts on paper. And I had nothing to offer in return except… my heartbeats.

I continued talking to her, and she told me this : we are our own worst critics. There are other people who can see the beauty in a supposedly ugly or horrible piece of work. And once they can see that beauty, their hearts are touched. I guess I must've touched Kiran's heart the other day... Anyway. She told me she wanted to sing and dance... to wow people. Yeah, to make them go "wow, she can do that" - but after seventeen years, she discovered that it was not her line. I asked her, how did it feel like to give up that line ? She was sad, no doubt. But she felt a greater sense of relief over time. I told her in reply, "Mine is not a question of wowing people - there are so many people who can do that. I want to touch hearts. The beat of the drum is the closest I can get to mom's heartbeat. Now that she is not here."

I prayed about it last night, but instead of my usual plea, I added, "Please, Lord, give me a sign - so obvious that if I miss it, I am a monkey's uncle." I really need guidance. I know it. I even added, "Please send the Holy Spirit upon me, and perhaps, a patron angel, to inspire me." Kiran often does the same whenever she needs inspiration. Weird religious-y thing to do, but it helps her a lot. She told me there is a patron angel for everything. If that is the case, there must be a patron angel for drummers too...

Right. I'd better dash. I have one hour left before dad comes back. I really want to play the drums, and even if I don't know whether that is the right field for me, I will try.

Song of Wisdom (Proverbs 8)

NB : whatever is intended to be sung, I’ll mark it in red, otherwise you’ll see yellow text.

REFRAIN :
I will call, I will call, I will shout from the highest mountains
With every reason to be heard
I appeal to you all, everyone, listen to my words now
What I say is for real
I am Wisdom
And I’m better than bling yo, than anything yo
Nothing in this world, not any boy or girl that’ll give you whatcha want yo
So come on over
I am Wisdom
Cause everything I know is what you say NO
And some perverted discretion will take over emotion yo
So come on over

I stand in the place where people would find
The light in times of disgrace
I am truth to the loving and sound mind
Insight in times of need
No place for the proud man, the headstrong man
Nothing they can do can save their skin, man
I help the statesman, I help the noble man
I can give more than just dirty money and cars, man
I love those who love me, look out for me and find me
The Lord knows I’m better than bling and ka-ching
So dja wanna follow me or wake up smilin’ say
Nothing I can do will ever take me away
(repeat refrain)

No one cares to know my existence
I was the first of all
Before the earth and all her resilience
I was standing tall
Yo now I can understand, why when the world began
There’s an inborn joy bringing life to every man
Why every human being has got a light unseen, yo
You don’t expect me to explain why this is gone now, you---
You want a life man, go look for it, man
You want the Lord to smile atcha, now do something, man
Anyone who hates me does not wait at the door for me
And sooner or later he’ll know what he’s in for, man
(repeat refrain)

Finally, another rap song without core subjects including money, drugs or sex. Of course, its predecessor may have been The Black Eyed Peas' "Where Is The Love" but this one is based on a biblical allusion - Proverbs 8. Personally, I haven't heard many biblical rap songs. And so I wonder what the reaction towards this one will be.

It so came to pass that on Wednesday, 2008.09.24, I picked up the Bible once again, and I began to read the book of Proverbs. I was actually quite immersed in it. I read every verse, mouthing every word, and when I came to Chapter 8, an idea struck me. What is this "knowledge" that people are seeking ? Every other rap song I hear on the radio is about bling and making love - and that is so uncool. I began to write this, partially because I got fed up of the junk I heard on the radio, and primarily because I got inspired.

So, for the song itself. It's going to be like any typical rap song except for the musical atmosphere : imagine progressive bass and very sparse beats. (And sorry, no demo for this one until I finish my legal studies.) The red words will be sung while the yellow words will be rapped (preferrably by a male rapper with an ability to switch to ghetto slang easily).

The third of my semi-worship songs, this one came at the spur of the moment. But I am not going to put that tag down because I took the lyrics from biblical text, and they did not come from my head in the form of a PowerPoint-made image. And it isn't the type of song we'd want to sing in weekly mass, either. I mean, them old fogies wouldn't condone it - after seeing the era of hardcore rap (with all those expletives) and nu-rap (with taboo subjects being brought along with it) !

We're saints in the making ?

We're saints in the making ?
Yeah right. I'd probably be having my head bowed down in guilt by now.

It's All Saints Day again and that "saints-in-the-making" thing somehow gives me a negative allusion to someone whom I know.