May draws to a close

Tomorrow would have been mom's birthday. She would have been 48.

Somehow, remembering occasions like these brings back all the pain. Just this afternoon, when I was alone at home and playing the drums, images of that dreaded day flashed in my mind.

Images of mom's funeral.

I ask myself where she is, whether her heart is still with me, or whether it's all gone, and never to be seen again... I pray God, give rest to her soul ! :'(

On another note,

tomorrow, Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days will be released in Japan.

Yay. Here's to another episode with Roxas ! (P.S. He's voiced by Jesse McCartney ! :DDDDD)

There's still a long way more to go before we can see an international release. We don't know who will be voicing Mickey Mouse for the English version this time (the third voice actor, Wayne Allwine, died this month), and we know how Square Enix and Disney insist on the best voice cast most of the time (I said most of the time, not all the time). Since I'll be away from the Kingdom Hearts Wiki for more than three months due to exams and National Service, I'll have to count on the rest of my friends to provide the data for me - hopefully when I return, I'll be there to see it all.

Horrifying beyond belief.

I listened to the radio and the albums that they were offering every week - or every fortnight, or every month (goodness knows) - they were current air-wave hits. From artists in all other places but here.

The attitude of most people around here, if not all, is such - Malaysians can't make really good air-wave hits.

I'm sick and tired of that attitude !

There are people who sit down and pen their thoughts, or type them in blogs, because they want to share them with the world. There are people who sing songs in their minds, and even out in the open, and don't mind being labelled "crazy" - just because they want to use their gift of music. There are people out there who are not being given chances but who truly want to excel in the field. It's only when we recognise them that we can bring change to the Malaysian music scene.

I believe I've said enough. I'm not going to lose hope. I'm not going to lose on this one. Especially not now. It's my dream to make the Malaysian music field a formidable force, and I know I'll live it.

Would you wanna know.

Je n'ai plus envie de sauver le monde.

Have I told you lately...

...that no matter what we've been through, I love you ?
...that I understand how broken you are inside ?
...that no matter what I have said, or what I've done, I cherish you ?

Come, hug me - if you feel lonely.

Brokenness makes us stronger ?

Fragmented versions of comments on my first post on a fan-made sequel to the Kingdom Hearts series, KHLegacy :

Xiggie : Wow, is there anyone here who hasn't lost a friend/family member ?

troisnyxetienne : I guess we're all acquainted with loss, to varying degrees. I've already had three losses in my immediate family. On the surface of it, we may appear to be cool and able to maintain our composure, but inside, we're all broken. Suffering is inevitable, of course, but it makes us stronger. When we do write the plot in KHLegacy, somehow or other, this brokenness will surface - and we have to make readers/members aware of it. I want it to be more than just a fan sequel : I want it to be a story that touches hearts.

While some people dismiss Kingdom Hearts as a cartoonish game because of the presence of Disney characters, I look at it from the Square Enix point of view : the emotional viewpoint. I take a stand where I can view and dissect every form of human interaction. My knowledge of English literature (or any form of literature, for that matter) makes me appreciate life more, and it is through this appreciation that I play or visualise each scene, second by second, I replay that scene (or I picture it again), and I ponder upon the emotions of each character, as well as the thoughts that may have crossed their minds.

There was one episode in the Olympus Coliseum where Auron (from Final Fantasy X) had been controlled by Hades, Lord of the Underworld, and his soul was placed in a statuette. Sora, Donald and Goofy set out to find it - and when they did, they actually got to feel Auron's thoughts - oh, the horror they felt ! I played Final Fantasy X so I can imagine what the real Auron would've felt. Picture this : Auron journeyed with two of his best friends, Jecht, and the summoner Braska, in a quest to seek the truth about their homeland, Spira. Jecht and Braska were both killed. Auron had almost lost the drive to live. Those thoughts would've played in Auron's mind in that particular episode in Kingdom Hearts II. One loss is devastating enough ; what about two ?! And Auron tells himself "You must live !" no matter how broken he is inside.

On another note, take one of my previous posts where I wrote about Goofy's apparent death. No matter how cheesy the person may be - ultimately, if that person is kind and has done a great deal, he will be sorely missed. Donald, Sora and Mickey could have, at some point in time, been turned off by Goofy's... er... goofing around. The English version shows a dejected Sora (voiced by Haley Joel Osment) saying "This is not happening. It can't be happening... it can't..." while the French version makes it more emotional : we have Sora (Donald Reignoux) almost crying.

Now, to take this story of losses to a personal level : I've suffered three losses. Many a time I've felt that I was at the end of my rope. I confided in my best friends Kiran, Adoravelle, Kimberly and Nithya - and all of them, no matter how they put it, somehow seemed to tell me the same thing :

Brokenness makes us stronger.

I forgot who it was who wrote the poem "Elegy in a Country Churchyard" (I don't even know if that's the right title even), but he did mention that the sufferings of the poor man and the sufferings of the rich man are all the same. We are born, we lose our celestial light, we are accustomed to the practices of our ancestors, we attempt to survive (out there, it's a survival of the fittest), we build relationships - and they are broken, we lose loved ones, we do not gain enough for our efforts... Some stories end happily, some stories end in despair. All of us want a happy ending, a reason to die for... to make life beautiful.

Xiggie (Sigfried) lost his father. And I know quite a few people who have lost a parent in their teens (or in their childhood). My heart goes out to them - and while writing for KHLegacy (and while writing my songs, in the meantime), I want to spread a message about the suffering of humankind.

Degeneration

When this is the age that I should be growing and getting emotionally stronger, I'm degenerating.

When this is the time that I should be well-rounded in my character, I'm degenerating.

Where I don't mean to intervene, I do - out of a sense of duty for my friends.

Everyday I tell myself that whenever I am promised a new day, I'll make the best out of it - but somehow, somewhere, the biggest of slips has to happen.


The world has absolutely no place for people like me.

I'm still sad.

I've been barred from entering the teachers' room, and that means I may not be able to have casual talks with Ms Meera ever again.

My thoughts are still on yesterday, the hour I broke down in bed. I've been deeply discouraged not only by mom's absence, but also by dad's sweeping statements. And I haven't the heart to tell him anything. I just can't.

These are not problems, but major blockades.

If I do come back today (in the driving rain, perhaps) and I find dad at home, there goes all my hope of practising. Because he'll make those same impersonal statements which won't get me anywhere.

I'm in college now, waiting for class to begin. Adoravelle, Kimberly and Talitha are out to lunch. Nithya is right here and I don't even know if I have the heart to tell her what had become of me yesterday night, while I was alone in bed.

I still can't bring myself to believe that all that sadness started like, two posts ago.

Au secours, j'ai un souci.

Lyrics fail

I just realised that I have a severe case of lyrics fail.

Not one case, but many cases of lyrics fail.

I know I have a tendency of telling others "please stop saying 'there lies the problem' over and over again" because many problems can be easily resolved. But for this, I have no choice but to go ahead with it. Here lies the problem - I can write songs, but I find it rather difficult to write lyrics. Especially in French. A good friend of mine went through my best song, Le Paradoxe and found the lyrics to be incomprehensible. If that can happen to my best song, imagine the rest ! I yearn to touch the hearts of people but if no one can understand the hidden meaning behind these songs, then I have to bid an early farewell to success...

Also, I started writing in French in 2006. My second French song, Le Paradoxe, came in 2007. It's now 2009. How long more is it going to take me to write as well as Zazie and Pascal Obispo ? Years, perhaps ? I can't have this happening. If they started like me, then what they're doing now deserves applause. But I reckon that they wouldn't have started like me. They're francophones, after all, and I'm just a...... plain lousy KL kid with almost five years of French.

I'm on the verge of despair. One more lyrics fail and I won't be able to hold these tears back anymore. Help me.

French-speakers and those of you who are curious to find out what Thierry and I talked about with regards to the lyrics, click here.

I wish I had a computer all to myself

I wish I had a computer all to myself.

So that I won't disturb dad when he is asleep.
So that I won't bother him with my passion for singing anymore.
So that I will be able to surf the Net freely.
So that if no one listens to my voice, at least my computer's there to console me.
So that all my AMR files won't get onto prying hands.
So that I can be my own artiste.

So that I can find people who truly love me for who I am, and who I really yearn to be.

And she fights for her life

This is the Hymn of the Fayth from Final Fantasy X. Only that this time, it isn't the original rendition by Nobuo Uematsu.

It's a rendition by a fan with a good voice and an even greater arranging ability.

All the reactions to this rendition were positive ones. Some even became fans. And this independent singer has plans for releasing an album in her own county.

Now, truth be told, I was touched a moment there when I heard this version of the Hymn of the Fayth. Don't turn around now and ask me why I haven't a single video or recording of my voice. It's just that now, I'm fighting for my life, fighting to let my voice be heard. With absolutely no recording tools (except for a phone with a terrible sound recorder), I enter into the battlefield, where people come out and make themselves heard. I'm the unluckiest of these people, because all I can ever present to my potential listeners is a crappy AMR file with interference.

I have long yearned to touch people's hearts. With my voice. And my strength. My dark strength. The recording just doesn't seem to help.

Will anyone find the stalwart behind all that interference ?

Will anyone pick out the weeping drummer girl in the midst of all those other heartbeats ?

Looks like everyone hears, but no one listens. Or if there are people who really listen to my voice, they just stop and stare, and that's all. Another fleeting moment in their lives, and they pass by.

Imagine how pathetic I sound when the few people who sample my AMR files ask me, "Have you ever been approached by a talent scout ?" and all I can give them is a sad, broken no. Never in my life has anyone actually come and hear the little that I have to give. My heart aches.

My soul and my emotions are as fragile as eggshells. No matter how much I try to keep my spirits high, something has to happen to shatter all the happiness I have always hoped for. I don't know if mom is in heaven. Methinks she isn't there yet. Because if she really were there, she'd lift me up and whisper in the Lord's ear so that He could lead me on that musical path, the path which I hold closest to my heart.

Maybe, unlike many other fortunate people, my dream isn't meant to be.

Certitude

Les jours de peine fredonnent un je ne sais quoi.

The full explanation behind my crying in Literature class while reading “The Mayor of Casterbridge” :

It’s all no thanks to something which triggered me again. See, I’ve been strong about this for so long… I felt I couldn’t hold on anymore.

I knew our law lecturer Raja Singham’s son (I forgot his name) is a whiz kid ; he’s a hip-hopper and a drummer. I read about him one day, some years back – it must be him. Though I can’t say for sure. But the description that everyone gives about him – it just seems to match what I read.

Here I am, just stuck here, alone at home, with no one to share my passion for music.

My late mom was a musician. And she could easily understand me. That passion for music bound us together. She always wanted to hear me sing or play something. And had she been here, she’d have lifted me up. I wouldn’t be light years away from immortalising my heartbeat on the drums. I wouldn’t be light years away from being a singer-songwriter. Most of all, if she were here, she’d be on the grandstand telling people, “That’s my girl!”

Her parents had to take her away from me. They just had to put her life to an end, didn’t they ?

I have no one to do this for me anymore. Dad isn’t at all like mom. He wouldn’t understand. My cousins Narin and Jasvin can’t bond with me the same way mom did. And sometimes, dad forgets my dream. I wish someone can take me by the hand and lift me up, and keep on encouraging me so that no more tears will fall.

Even as I type, silent tears are falling.

I jammed on the piano keys and did a few recordings. I don’t know if I can ever be proud of them – but I’m keeping them in case I’m in need of them. It’s too late to even tap on the drums now. Whenever I can’t find the time to practise on the drums, I just tap on my favourite pillow. But I can’t be doing that forever. Also, I’ve been singing incessantly to the songs of my favourite artistes Mylène Farmer, Alizée and Zazie – and I wonder if this voice will ever be heard someday.

Now that she’s no longer here, all I can ever wish for right now… is for her to appear in a dream, and tell me that she’s proud of me.

God sees my tears. I’m sure of it. But why aren’t my tears being dried ?

Maybe it’s true, when we cry, we cry alone.

I hate putting God to the test. But honestly, right now I feel that if He does care, He’ll dry my tears and lift me up. I don’t see it happening in the near future, let alone in the distant future.

I’m losing all hope.

Lord, please help me.

A-Levels students, are you all set and ready for tomorrow ? Or, the horror done by MQA officials

Tomorrow is the day of the results.

Now, I know that'll send shivers down your spines (it did send shivers down mine). The college officials told us that we'll be getting our results in the afternoon. Tomorrow morning, we have a class with Ms Sunbeam. I wonder how it'll ever be possible to read a few chapters from Thomas Hardy's "The Mayor of Casterbridge" when everyone is anxious about tomorrow.

After the break in today's Literature class, we just couldn't concentrate on Thomas Hardy anymore. Everyone was talking and chatting away about the results. There, some students mentioned the thoughts of barely passing, failing and resitting. Some celebrated lines from the second half of Literature class (Ms Sunbeam will be represented in these dialogues as Soleil, the French word for "sun") :

Harvey : How much do we have to pay to resit a subject ?

Soleil : That should make you worried and say, "I should be studying hard." That should deter you from wasting your parents' money !

Harvey : Does U (ungraded) mean a pass ?

Krishna : How much do we have to get to pass ?

Daween : What is the A mark ?

Harvey : Ma'am, I'm scared that my parents will turn me out of the house. If that happens, please may I stay in your house ? (to which everyone laughed)
Soleil : If you think of doing that, I'll force you back to where you came from !
Krishna : You come my house lah...
Soleil : *places hand on forehead and shakes head in disbelief*

And while reading chapter 14 in "The Mayor of Casterbridge", I cried.

Not that I was scared of tomorrow. I just miss mom. She used to be there with me, going shopping with me before the results day ; or maybe having a light moment with me, talking, or sharing with me a passion for music. I wept bitterly. And everytime Kimberly, Preet and Adoravelle (who were sitting next to me) looked at me, I wept even more and told them, "I can't."

____________________________________________________

Meanwhile, I remember posting yesterday that I awaited Eve's response for the album project. She seemed quite interested in it and even asked for more information. She even wanted to contribute. Well. I'll take that as a yes. :D

______________________________________________________

Another thing I wanted to talk about was the trivialism of the Malaysian Quality Association (MQA) officials when they came to do a spot-check on Brickfields Asia College. Not only did this come from the lecturers' mouths, I heard this with my very own ears - and I believe that it should be brought up.

Do you know why they rapped us and bad-mouthed us ? Just because we speak English in class ! And they expect classes to be conducted in Bahasa Malaysia ?! Not that I have anything against the national language, it's just that the MQA officials are educated enough and should have enough horse sense to understand that practically all syllabuses are from the United Kingdom, and they are to be conducted in English. They should also know that by not conducting classes in English, we miss out on a lot !

Then, the MQA officials interrogated our Malaysian Studies/Moral Studies lecturer, Ms Vivien. The thing about our college is that Malaysian Studies are carried out in Malay, while Moral classes are in English. But being the bodoh sombong (stupid and conceited) MQA officials that they are, it's hard to change them anyway. They terrorised her. They made racist remarks, such as...

"You're teaching Malaysian Studies ? Shouldn't a Malay be teaching Malaysian Studies ?"

The MQA officials went on asking Ms Vivien if she could speak in Bahasa Malaysia. Of course she can ! I mean, only a dickhead would believe that a Malaysian Studies teacher is not capable of speaking the national language fluently.

I've already sworn not to use expletives, but here's what I have to say to the MQA : get the asses of those racist officials out of my sight, out of my college, out of my Federal Territory, and out of my country ! Malaysia is not a place for Malays, nor Chinese, nor Indians. Malaysia is the hiding place of Malaysians, and this'll be it for the rest of our lives ! And when Dr Chantheney, our Business Studies lecturer, revealed this to the whole class, I was fuming mad - even more than before, and I said, "Bring those blasted MQA officials to me. I know how to deal with them."

Yes, bring them to me.

They will never want to set foot in Brickfields Asia College or in Kuala Lumpur ever again.

National Service : more good than harm ?

I read this on the blog of a youth named Nor Amira. It went something like this (grammar corrected by troisnyx*, of course) :

...To me, whoever has been chosen to join this National Service is evidently not getting any profit because the trainees cannot apply for a part-time job before SPM results come out. They lack experience in the working world, and they don't get any sort of valuable experience in the training camps. They also can’t feel the happiness when get their first paycheck.

NS also does more harm than good because the trainees' safety isn't guaranteed. The facilitators also have no say over the trainees' needs and emotions. If trainees cannot undertake the flying fox and jungle trekking activities due to safety reasons, for example, they get severely punished by the facilitators, and for what reason ? Facilitators are meant to facilitate, not do otherwise ! Sometimes certain facilitators force the poor trainees to do things that they aren't capable of doing.

As it is National Service, the government must give the best to help the youth through this programme, yes, they even have to choose the best caterers to prepare the best food rich in carbohydrates, proteins, and vitamins to the competitors. I've always heard many complaints from the ex-trainees, and many of them say that all aspects of the programme are horrible, especially the food.

...To me, National Service is naught but a waste of time and money.

Thank you, Nor Amira, for posting this. This has come at a rather timely moment.

I have been called for Group 3, National Service 2009, and that'll take place between June and September. I know that before I checked my name in the registry I was with DK, recording my voice, lamenting about how rotten National Service has been to many trainees (oh, and not to mention the number of deaths and how the families of the deceased trainees reacted to them). I remember that the .wav file was about 9 minutes long, it was 30-something MB, and I had sent it to a few people, who were not only impressed by the way I spoke French, but they were also awakened by the home truths I mentioned in that file.

Sadly enough, by a certain slip of fate, mom got to know, on the hospital bed, somewhere in late July, that I was bound to go for National Service. Her heart was broken.

If this happens, it'll happen right after my A2 exams are over.

If this happens, I'll be missing mom's first death anniversary.

If this happens, the government seriously doesn't understand what we're going through. Not very long ago mom passed away in Hospital Kuala Lumpur. The only people left in my family are dad and me. I've already lost my mom, my brother and my sister. If he loses me in the NS camp, that's the end !

I'm not willing to waste my time and energy dying under the hot sun with red pelts, fever and a very rapid heartbeat.

I'm not willing to spend my free time idly when at home, I can do a lot more beneficial things (including my new plan to raise funds for the poor and the purchase of my LLB books).

And I'm absolutely not willing to give up my mom's first death anniversary, which'll take place on the 27th of August 2009.

And if you government officials still want me to go for National Service, then motherf***, you guys seriously don't have a heart in you. I advise you to go for confession, pronto. Because if you're reading this, let me tell you to your faces right now : loyalty and sacrifice for the country need not be defined by all this bull crap.

Our definition of sacrifice for the country is going the extra mile for our loved ones, who are also children of Malaysia. We sacrifice for the country by helping the poor in our country, who need much more than we do - we sacrifice our material possessions just to make them live better. We sacrifice for the country by going the extra mile to stay united when, conversely, in the Parliament House, all you do is hurl chairs and insults at one another. And you think we aren't patriotic and you're even imposing this deadly programme on us helpless young people, all in the name of patriotism ?

Non, merci, je ne veux surtout pas y aller, et dites, qu'est-ce que vous voudriez me faire ?

Leaving (a post for Claudia)

This is now

I'm leaving
Never to see this place again
I'm leaving home
I'm bound to call somewhere else my hiding place
I'm leaving home

REFRAIN:
Take our final steps together
And we'll part ways
To start anew is hard
Because I won't have you...
Take our final steps together
And we'll part ways
It's all been beautiful but
I'm leaving
This wonderful place behind

I'm leaving
Will I e'er see what I want to see ?
Just let it come
I'm breaking those who loved me all this while
I'm leaving home
(repeat refrain)

Written in honour of a friend, ex-schoolmate and sister in Christ, Claudia Appaduray, who'll soon be emigrating. I didn't wanna change the title because... ultimately, the post and the lyrics are all about leaving.

Claudia, I'm gonna miss you lots. I miss the time we had in primary school choir, the time you came over to my place with the carollers some two years ago... well, there're several experiences which don't come to mind but I cherish all of them. Keep in touch. And who knows, if I do make it big someday, perhaps, I will meet you.

Keep it all down low

The childhood I used to know is long gone.

(It's clear now, isn't it ?)

Back when my speakers were working and when I had good graphic drivers, I didn't hesitate to watch Alizée's first-phase vid "Parler Tout Bas"... and I'd watch it all over again (a few snippets of the vid are shown above). "Parler Tout Bas" is meant to be about Alizée's transition from childhood to adulthood (she was sixteen when she recorded this) but to me...... just looking at the part where she buries her teddy bear, six feet under, gives me this bleak realisation that the childhood I used to know - the happy, frivolous childhood I used to have - is long gone.

And it went... the day mom was admitted in CCU. It went, never to return.

Where are you Christmas... ?

Today the Business class students parted ways with Dr Chantheney for the holidays.

Everything's been toned down - class hours, even the content - because Christmas is drawing near. I noticed a few people, including Nancy, who were asked whether or not they did their Christmas shopping. The feeling of Christmas is in the air for everyone else. But not me. I have this premature notion that Christmas is just gonna come and go like any other day.

Because of the deed of one certain whoreson and his wife, I don't have any Christmas celebrations.

Mom's not here anymore, and Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas anymore. The joy we all used to have while preparing for the festivities, while preparing to welcome Jesus into our hearts, is long gone. Even the Christmas tree looks so sombre, it can't cheer me up.

I looked around me in class today, and I saw smiles on the faces of most people. Only some were exasperated because of class. Otherwise, everyone was just happy. Lucky you guys. You have every reason to celebrate this Christmas. Cherish it.
As for me, I have nothing.

I don't see how I can bear a year without celebrations. I have the feeling that all this will wear me down to the core. But I guess I have to.

Today is Narin's 20th birthday, and chances are that she may not have celebrated it. I don't know for sure. Tomorrow is DK's birthday. I hope I can give him a good present : good C1 results.

On another note, I give and I don't get anything in return.

P.S. I pray that 2009 won't be as f*ed up as 2008. Honestly.

Help me. My heart's sinking.

Today's Literature class was not less enjoyable than the rest of them. And today, we gave Ms Sunbeam her birthday surprise (her birthday fell on Sunday the 7th).

So again we were doing King Lear and I was horrified at the way Lear was treated by his ungrateful daughters Gonerill and Regan. I was just horrified, to say the least. We all shared a thought, and Ms Sunbeam brought it up during class : there are people who, as they grow older, show less respect for their parents. They deem them to be a cumbersome lot.

This episode in class brought me back to the time where mom and I were in the car waiting for dad. I was (I think) six - never mind about the age, I knew I was a child back then. And she asked me, "Will you take care of me when I get old ?" And I said, "Yes, mama. I will take care of you. It's a promise. And even if you're old, you're still not old to me. You're just a good thirty years older than me, that's all."

I never got the chance to take care of her.
(only in hospital, but then again, that's nothing like taking care of her in her old age)

I suppose no one saw me weeping in class.

And even as I write this post the tears are flowing.

Sometimes I feel mom was so right when she wrote on the paper, "You only have each other." With this overflow of emotion, I'm pretty sure that almost no one will understand me.

I know that around me there can be a host of people telling me to stop crying, or perhaps a greater number of people who'll turn round and ask me "What's wrong with you ?" or throw insults at me alleging that I'm immature. But insult or no insult, I feel that my entire life is an insult now. Because the very person whom I cherished all these years is gone.

Dear Lord, help me. If in the event that I feel like uttering a string of swearwords in my immense anger and sorrow over what has happened, please come to my aid.

At the time of writing troisnyx* is in the computer lab, not really alone (there're three other people in the front row). But prithee, if you do come across this post, do something to cheer her up. She's heartsick.

Alone.

Moi je m'en moque, j'envoie valser......

I've been singing Zazie's song "J'envoie valser" for the past few days already. And it seems that I haven't got bored of it. Perhaps it's because of the song itself : from listening to the lyrics, I know someone loves me and locks that love inside my heart.

It's just.......

...now, I don't get a trace of that love.

Most people around me know about my predicament. The people who examined me for the C1 are soon to know. I feel so blah. Just blah. My heart feels so heavy. Thirty-two hours of Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix + (i.e. since Friday afternoon ; try counting the average) managed to cheer me up a little, but that's all none, in the end.

While sleeping alone this afternoon, I was hoping that someday, someone would take me by the hand and share the gift of rhythm with me. Like how mom used to, when she corrected and took pride in my drumbeats for the few instances when she heard me.

I'm alone.

I have no one. Only You, Lord.

But things seem so silent. Too silent for me to even live.

They say "if winter comes, spring can't be far behind." But all I'm seeing is winter. No sign of the first flower. No heat. No rain. No sunlight. Just depression. When will that joy ever return to me ? It probably wouldn't, ever. Here I am, stuck with the fact that mom's soul isn't at peace yet, and she's yet to go into the presence of God.

One thing had to bring my mood down for the next few days.

And you know what it was ?

The product of the songwriting competition at Assumption Church.

Those of you who know full well how I feel about this, shut the f* up and don't remind me about it. Those people whom I hold responsible for my mom's unnatural death need their flesh torn into pieces !

They excluded me from the performers' list for prom night.

No, don't retaliate. Maybe it's best if I suffer in silence, again.........

Well it all started when I missed yesterday's audition. For starters, I didn't even know about it. When Kimberly Tey called me, she told me the rest of them actually figured it out for themselves, and that the notice for the audition was pinned up on the noticeboard.

When was it pinned up on the noticeboard, anyway ?

Saturday ?

Sunday ?

Monday ?

or God forbid, Tuesday ?

Either way, I wasn't even in college. And if you ask why I wasn't in college, I'm not one of those people who hang out in college till His kingdom come. I have a life to live. I have mouths to feed - my grandparents' mouths. My dad's now in China. And if you expect me to go out for long hours finding out about the audition, then they'll be worried, they'll phone dad, and when dad comes back I'll be grounded. No one had the decency to call and tell me when they knew I wouldn't be in college for those days. No one. And after the previous audition (which was on the 5th of November), I had not been given any indication that there would be a new audition.

If you're reading this post, Kim, Lei, I'm utterly disappointed with what you guys did. For your lack of courtesy, don't even expect me for the next Prom Nights. Only coersion will get me there. Everyone wanted to see a video of me performing. It's because of your lack of courtesy that now, not only do I fail to live up to their expectations, but I also fail to live up to mine.

I bet you wouldn't know how I sat up till 3:00 AM almost everyday, trying my very best to pen my own song - something that'll wow the audience and make them know, "Wow. This is troisnyx*." And when the song was done, I was very proud of it. I wanted to share this with the people around me. But now, this chance has been snatched away from me. And now it's too late for you or for me to do anything, because those others who have been selected get their chance.

You left another eternal wound in my heart. Thank you.

Friends, this is precisely how I lost my chances for several performances back in high school - people cutting my name off the list without my knowledge, and finally telling me that they're cutting me off. It's been the same for the past six years. All this while I dared not retaliate, for fear that worse things would happen. Now, should I retaliate, or should I suffer in silence again ? I've had enough of suffering in silence for not being able to stage a performance, especially if it's bound to involve one of my songs. I'm not settling to reality TV because I'm not going to be judged for the way I look - I want to be judged for what I can do, which I know I can do well. Only God - and Kimberly Monteiro - know the tears I'm shedding now.

Lucky gal, Adoravelle, you're not here. If I could fly away to anyplace in the world, just like you, I wouldn't have to face this heartbreak anymore. And for those of you who patiently endured my wailing and swearing on MSN....... I truly thank you for being really good friends.