I lost my chance for this year's Fete de la Musique. I totally lost participation in the songwriting competition for Assumption's 50th anniversary. Now, I am about to lose my chance of going to Pangkor Island with the rest of Sunset Band.
I told Narin about this, and it turned out to be a heated discussion in the hospital - we were outside the NICU (she was shifted from CCU to NICU), waiting for mom to be cleaned. Wonder what the N in NICU means, but anyway---
troisnyx*: Hug me, Narin. All my plans are shattered again.
Narin: Shattered...? You never know, there may be something good coming out of all this---
troisnyx*: What do you mean something good? Let me tell you, I have many shattered dreams but not one of them brought good fruit. You think when Ressonnant didn't get a placing in the National Finals, did anything spring out of it? Nothing, really! In fact, I was just like a forgotten figure, a shadow on the ground. You think when my applications for Fete de la Musique in the previous years failed, something good sprung out of it? NOTHING! You'd tell me to try again, but I have been trying since 2005, and now it's 2008, and I still do not even get a glimpse of the fun! You think anything good happened when the school senior assistant decided to cancel my application for Puisi Berlagu after months of hard work? Nothing! In fact, all my toil and sweat were wasted. And what do you think happened when disaster struck, and my dream of going into ICOM and getting a stable music career was dashed, and I was pushed off track to become a lawyer, of all people? NOTHING! And immediately after my friends in ICOM have finished their courses, they will be given recording contracts with stable pay - in Sony BMG, the best recording company ever! Let me tell you now, I'd have been better off in a place where dreams come true than to live in a boulevard of broken dreams like in this place!
Narin: ......
troisnyx*: You tell me for yourself. Have you ever had big dreams? Okay, being a pilot, but you said that'd come in your own time. These dreams of mine are big, they are not short-term dreams, and they are not the kind that come in their own time. People revere young talents and do not care about the old. A few exceptions would be legends Mylène Farmer and Air Supply, as they too, had opportunities when they were young. People give up the good and go for the great. Artistes are meant to start in their teens or in their early twenties in order to make a name for themselves over time. People who start at thirty are never remembered. One shattered dream would mean one week of mourning for me. I am now 17, do you get it? 17! And you are now Rihanna's age and I am David Archuleta's age! If you think I have the potential of being a legend, why is nothing happening? Everything has been going against me for the past six years or so. It's only when you feel pain like this for YEARS that you can truly understand what I am telling you. I have had moments in which I felt so sad, I could just take my book of scores and cast it into the fire. And now the same is happening. This is the last straw! I really cannot bear it anymore! *Sobs* Music is my life, and I'm not going to let anyone take it away from me or I'll be as good as dead! *Sobs*
Think why God put a few musical geniuses in Malaysia, where the music industry is dismal - it sounds illogical where human reasoning is concerned but surely He did it for a cause, didn't He?
This is the life of a person who knows she can be a legend, but everyone and everything tries to snuff her out completely. I told Daniel about this ; he got so sad, I did not want to sadden him any further, and so I stopped. But imagine, your chance to live your dream is taken away, your chance of composing is snuffed out for... ten times? - your chance of performing on the big stage and letting people recognise you has long been snuffed out, and you are left with nothing except an AS Law book, a Business Studies book and some plays by Shakespeare and some poems by Wordsworth. The lucky friend sitting next to you in class has exposed the fact that she already has a recording contract, and chances are that she may do very well despite the stress. And because you truly want to sing, you fall on your knees, plead and cry to the Lord, hoping that a chance like this would come your way too. And soon enough, you will be walking with a gloomy face, a black cape and a barrister's wig, and several Hansard reports - all the way to court to defend an undeserving case. More than all this, I truly want to sing ; I want to bring my songs and my renditions to the people and share with them the joy that music can bring when words fail. I want to let my drumbeats coincide with their hearts. I do not want to survive, I want to live.
The worst part is, if I tell Ms Sunbeam this, she would never believe mom is in NICU. Oh, after all, she even thought mom's breathing difficulties were not a big deal, too.
This 21st June, as I said in one of my earlier posts, I will mourn...... I will mourn for all the shattered dreams, and bid them adieu.
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