Theories of so-called "motivation"

A wish is a wish is a wish.

Reading Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs made me feel even more bitter. In case you were referring to them, my needs are rather needs of self-actualisation. No, at such an age, I have needs of self-actualisation, burning deep inside. And no, I'm not certain about my journey's end.

Joanne, Nancy and Farah were seated in my row, and I saw Joanne burying her head in her hands. I knew it was a broken dream of sorts, but I couldn't make it out. I asked her. After some hesitation, she told me, "I wanted to do mass communication. Given the change and the go-ahead, I'd have been with your cousin now. But now I'm stuck here doing law." I wondered if there'd be a chance for her to live her dream right after A-Levels. Maybe it meant that we may not meet again ; but at least, she would get to do what she truly desires.

As for me...

In college, only Nancy, Farah and Joanne saw me sitting down, meticulously writing my score, note for note. Only Nancy and Farah heard my beats. And sometimes, when I casually sing, I wonder if someday, this voice would ever be heard. I'm not one in a million, and methinks that out of the 27 people with a stunning voice, I wouldn't fall in that category. In fact, my voice was not given any consideration when I was in high school. It was always another person - Naili, Sitha, Farah Hanna, Mariam, Hazwani - all of them have good voices, and they would be cheered and praised by the multitude of people in the school hall. As for me, when I finish singing......... sometimes, a small round of applause is given ; most of the time, no one cheers. No one. I am, without a doubt, not the school's favourite. And no one (except, maybe the principal, and my founding counterpart Nur Sabrina) ever cared to know how much I wanted to change Malaysia's music scene. Everyone rushed to find me in 5U, or anywhere I was - for my keys. *smiles* But that was all. More often than not, I was only there to accompany someone whom everyone (even I) felt, had a great voice. I'd usually be a backup vocalist, not a lead.

Deep down in my heart, I keep on longing for a chance to shine, in front of an audience of almost a million, entertaining the crowd with perfectly-choreographed moves, lighting and superb musicians, with multi-platinum tracks, and not the junk we sometimes hear on air - touching people's hearts, inspiring people to live their dreams (despite having had so many shattered intentions), doing what pleases God, making mom, dad, Narin, the Sunset Band, and my school and college proud.

Just a dream.

So, did Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs really motivate me ? To a certain extent, yes (if we are all talking about the workforce) ; but otherwise, no. My heart is sinking and I'll soon have to make my way home. Another day of loneliness and being unheard. While what some pundits call "hits" fill the airwaves, I can't help but sit in my lonely corner and cry when I hear them.

The worst part : Narin is leaving for Ipoh tomorrow. Wonder when she'll be back. Also, I'm beginning to wonder when dad will be back.

(God giveth, and God taketh away. Praise the Lord.)