I want mom to come home.

Ma... I can't wait for you to come home. My heart's pounding out a rhythm and I don't wanna just keep it to myself. I feel lonely every night when I beat the drums and there's no one there with me. There may be mistakes, slips and wrong timing, but the Lord knows how painstakingly hard I'm trying. I truly need someone to listen and correct me. You're the only one at home who's capable of doing it.

I miss your singing voice, your bedtime jokes and your "jav-jav" jokes. I have no one to hold me whenever I sleep ; I have no one to give me proper hugs (Daddy only gives me one or two per day), I have no confidante, no pillow to cry on. Owing to the fact that I sleep late and Narin usually sleeps early, I don't wanna disturb others, and so I sleep alone in the common room. I drift away, into a world where you are near. A world where you're by my side, and our heartbeats coincide. Jesus and Mother Mary are there, and they partake in the song which you and I sing.

I miss your cooking. We're eating nothing but RICE, BREAD and PRATTA every single day. Oh, and CURRY too. Not to say that I'm fed up of all that, but... I miss your taste. The same taste that has got me going for seventeen straight years.
And most of all...... I miss YOU.

Please stay strong for my sake, Ma. Never mind about the thoughts and dreams you've been having every night. Get well soon... and come home quick.

Love
troisnyx*

I believe mom knows the words I 'm about to write. Be prepared for unfiltered content. Sorry because I'm going against morals here ; but I feel that this is necessary.

Just today when I was in hospital, I had my headset on ; I was listening to a fresh new playlist for some fresh ideas. I wanted to go into the ICU room and tell mom what I had in store for her, but dad got angry and forced me to take the headset off. In the car, he admonished me and told me not to use my headset in the hospital. Then he went on saying that mom is in serious condition, etc., etc., etc.

This hurt me a lot.

Firstly, we all know the truth - mom is in serious condition but we have hopes of her getting better. Keep the f*ing truth to yourself, you motherf*er ! You think you know better about how to console and encourage her when the nurses ill-treat her. Shut your f*ing trap. I was in her and I was the one to hear her heartbeat ; she knows me and I know her. And I know very well that she can sense what goes on at home. I know dad feels that I don't appreciate her. How would he know ; he's away most of the time ! On work, surely ! I'm there with mom and I know what she feels inside. You too, Narin, shut your trap and quit saying "It's the truth, face it" - we all are. We almost lost her. The fact that you keep saying to yourself that she is in serious condition, it gives me the impression that you are focusing more on the disease rather than how to cure it.

And this is just like me taking a white sheet of paper, a black permanent marker, marking the centre of the paper with a black dot, and then when I ask you, "What do you see ?" you say, "A black dot." When I ask you, "What else do you see ?" you say "Nothing, a black dot." What about the white sheet of paper ? Surely you have seen it, but you have chosen to overlook it. I know what mom needs - she wants us to quit thinking about the carbon dioxide retention and start thinking that it can be cured, and that she will come home really soon. She wants to be treated as a living healthy person, not a critically sick person ; do her respect !

The same problem has been going on for weeks : whenever I tell mom my words of encouragement, dad feels that they are degrading, and so to show his f*ing mettle he scolds me and makes me cry. And he threatens to hit me. No, I haven't forgotten it and I will never forget it. All I want is to give her hope and strength to carry on, and in doing so, I forget all the seriousness and focus on making mom happy so that she'll be happy to come home. Bloody b*, I know you are stressed - so am I ! You better be thankful that mom is slowly getting better ! You better be thankful that you're not alone in feeling the pain of mom's sickness ! I know you're on no-pay leave and that your job has been unattended to for weeks. I feel the pinch too ! She is your wife, she is my mother, Goddamnit !!

Secondly, telling me to part with the headset is like telling me to run on my sword and die. Especially with the tone of voice you used, and the wound you caused by saying this is never going to heal.

I love mom. And I know you do too. But I'm not like you : I'm not an earning power, and I'm not like Narin - I don't have a bank account from which I can withdraw some cash. And thus I can't buy anything special for mom when she comes home. I truly want to give her a pleasant surprise. I could bake a cake, with Narin helping out ; but we do that too often. I have nothing fit to give her. I wish to give her something from the heart - she knows I cherish it and she cherishes it too. I wish to give her the gift God has given me - music. The reason being, she was the one who corrected me, gave me ideas, and saw me through all my graded examinations.

And so I listened to the playlist, hoping to get some ideas for songwriting, as well as new drumbeats. Surely both of you won't understand because you don't appreciate sound frequencies as much as mom and I do. The only time I can ever listen to the playlist is in hospital : I don't bring my headset to class, I do work on the PC, or even off the PC ; when I wait outside, and when I get inside, with my headset at low volume, I fish out some ideas, hoping that mom will be pleased. Mom loves music. I have a passion for it. But now that you told me not to listen to the playlist, or use the headset for that matter, you are depriving us of the thing that we enjoy doing together.

Narin had nothing to say when I talked to her. She was exasperated. So was I. Surely, you would not have anything to say, no one can refute it ! You wish you could, but you just cannot ! Only God knows the feeling in my heart. Only God knows how much I wish to do this for her. Only God knows how much I love her. And He would never undermine this love, even if His love is greater.

Dad's words deprived me of the strength to play the drums today. Surely, I'd never be good. I know our clocks are knocked off balance. I know how it feels to be in your place. But do you know how it feels to be in my place ? Shackled by the burden of not being with mom everyday - not like before, taking a hiatus from praise and worship, and songwriting as well ; suffering while trying to get things right, trying to keep my composure there so that I can put a smile on mom's face ?

I do not give a f* about your seriousness. I love her, I wish to treat her as a normal, healthy person, and I want her to come home, more than anything else.

Now keep all your f*ing angst to yourself. Or else, don't talk to me again.