Why are you so emo ?

Simple. I can't even beat my heart out for fear that people would wake up and curse me, or ridicule my rhythms. What's a poor girl to do ? *sob*

I'm not as bad as the Pocket Emo on http://www.mindistortion.tv/ but I know I do sound emo, no doubt about it. But honestly, sometimes, when I think about how I used to drum on pillows ever since I was small, I ask myself why people do not want to listen to me. (There is no point in listening to me now because my drumming sucks, no matter how hard I try. Then again, no one would ever want to give an insignificant girl like me a chance.) If it were my lawyer friend Uncle Christie, he would have said "Hang them, I know how to sue them when they curse me." I'm too docile, too shy and too frightened.

Oh Lord, help me. Why all this silence when I've been crying, just for my heartbeats to be heard ? Please help me !

I talked to Joaan, my ex-choirmistress, again today after so long, and she asked me whether I was okay (she too, heard news about mom's death). I said, okay in the sense that I am crying less. Now, in the midst of all this confusion and silence, here comes another piece of heart-wrenching news : note that earlier, Joaan was in Convent Bukit Nanas, my former school. Joaan is now in Sri Cempaka, a school where the greats in arts live, breathe and develop. And that also means that Joaan knows Arthur and Caleb. I put this in my earlier post already. That also means she has people to be proud of. And that also means that Arthur and Caleb know someone - or at least a few people - are proud of them. As for me, I don't know if mom will ever be proud of me, as she watches from up there, or wherever she is, and I don't know whether the Lord will ever smile at me. At home, I am most often pushed to a corner for having such an "unnatural" desire, by societal standards. And I have no one to confide in anymore. The only person who understood my passion and what to do about it, is gone forever. And I don't know if she could plead in the Lord's ear for my sake.

I played the drums again this afternoon, and much to my frustration, I could only do the same beats I picked up on my own over the past few months, my rudiments were very slow... My heart feels heavy. I can stick to my passion, but how long more do I have to wait ? How long more do I have to tap on pillows before my heartbeats are heard and acknowledged by my family ? With all the good drummers around me (think : Vince Seah, Jerry Felix, Cyril, Joaan, Arthur Kam, Caleb Choo and whatnot ?), where is there any place for me as an aspiring (read again : aspiring) drummer, in this small world ?

I don't seek qualifications. It does not matter if I don't have the DipABRSM. That has long been forgotten, and I know my sight-reading isn't good - I am more of a listener. All that matters is that I want to touch hearts with whatever I do, musically. I truly want to play the drums well. That would be the only representation of mom's heartbeat I'd have while I'm still on earth. But for the amount of time I have to wait, and more, I suppose it is too much to ask. Jerry Felix told me the other day to stick with my passion, and all will work out. How bloody f*ing long more ? At the rate things are going I'm going to be crushed with the passage of time.

Should I wait on You, or should I give up because the answer is a no ?

At least You understand, Lord. And at least troisnyxespace*, Liann, Kiran, Sherilyn, Louisa, Shing, Suita, Joaan, Nancy, Joanne J and Adoravelle can contain my sighs. For a while.

Now let me weep in peace.