I bet she's already in heaven

I bet she is already kicking it with Jesus. See, how do I know ?

I had this incessant urge to drum in the evening. My heart was heavy, and so I just picked up my drumsticks and started beating the air. I had the wish to just beat my heart out. Then, later before prayers, when the Subang Jaya people came - as in, the ones who were part of the Subang Jaya BEC and knew mom well - Aunty Sharon was talking to me about what mom wanted to do with my urge to drum. See, late last year, she called Aunty Sharon and talked about the idea of sending me for drum lessons. The teacher at her centre is Jerry Felix - okay, I know if some of you ever hear that name, your jaws will drop. My jaws dropped too. I knew him from that site I joined - Drummer For Christ (oh, do look for his name, I am too lazy to put in the link to his page) - and my eyes just lit up. I knew he was from St Francis Xavier's Church and I wanted to hear him play, at least once. After much talking, I found out that he concentrates on rudiments - the stuff I really need to know. I wondered when I could go and see him play. Sunday is out, I have Business Studies lectures. Saturday is out, I have Law lectures. Tuesday is out too, I have a full day in college.

(Probably asking to be under Jerry Felix's wing is asking for too much, let alone getting to know him. Though I would love to hear him play, at least once.)

Then, later, after the prayers ended, we went to the usual neighbourhood restaurant - the one which sells Western food. I dolefully remembered the time we used to spend together - usually during weekends - where mom would order a plate of grilled fish, and if she could not finish the chips, she would hand the chips over to me. It so happened that dad, Narin and I went to that restaurant today, and while I was thinking of the extra chips, Narin handed me extra chips !

See, both these things could not have happened by mere coincidence, eh ? There always is someone reading my thoughts. Who knows, she could have whispered in Jesus' ear to let these things happen.

I thought of it when I came home. Since it was already 10:30 and many people would have turned off their lights by now, I went to the common room, alone. I still had an incessant urge to drum. After turning on the amp and the main switch, I turned down the volume and I silently knocked on the drums. Then, I broke down.

Mama, I somehow believe that you are already up there, and that you can always listen to my heartbeats. I wished I could play them louder, but it was already too late to even tap on the drums. Still, I sure am glad that you thought of me from up there. I did make a promise to God that if I do play the drums well, I will drum in His honour. If I ever do go for lessons, please see me through every single lesson, every single beat. While you were alive, you saw me drumming once ; you heard me several times, you misunderstood the video I wanted to show you - the one of me playing the drums. I took it out of the PC already, just to spruce up the hard drive for more files. Sometimes, I cannot help but let my heart pound, and let the beats speak for me where I cannot. I know I am not good enough, although I always wanted to play them well. Perhaps it is too much to ask, I am not sure. But I do hope, that with every beat, I will make you proud.