Lamentations of the songwriting competition (yet again)

Just yesterday, when we went for morning mass, Father Simon Lebrooy was mentioning about Assumption's 50th Anniversary Songwriting Competition - the one I had to miss.

Now I'm pretty sure no one will understand me as much as mom does, or as much as God does. Surely people, upon seeing this post, will ask me, "Why didn't you take part in it ?"

This serves to tell people why I had to miss what would have been the chance of a lifetime.

I began writing my own songs on my own accord when I was twelve, and I was in Form 1. Immediately when the dreaded homework backlog was over, I sat down to putting my ideas to paper. By the beginning of 2004, I had four Malay songs - I was itching to write something in English. And by 2006, I had 15 songs - in Malay, English and French. I wanted to put them to good use, but except for God and a few of my close friends, no one else heard me, no one else knew of my ability to compose songs. At that time, only one song was featured - "Kasih", that again, performed during Awards Day 2006, and I did a duet with my senior Zafirah - because no one could see my face from where the piano was, they let Zafirah do the vocals for the entire song. My parents, who were there to see me, were disappointed. But I couldn't do much !

Then came my SPM year. There was this "Puisi Berlagu" thing (for the uninformed, you write a poetic text and put it to music) and I jumped at the opportunity. I gathered my friends who could sing - Hazwani, Farah Hanna, Naili, Mariam... altogether about seven people. No, we were not doing a parody of S Club, but a special song which I wrote for our 50th Independence Day. After listening to several songs, I put some elements together and came up with a full tune. See, I'm the kind of person who can imagine the finished song in my head before I even put it on paper. And making use of that ability, I recorded a MIDI file. All of us gathered to practise ; we even missed classes. We trained hard. However, all our effort was put to waste when the Senior Assistant in charge of co-curricular activities, Pn Chee, decided to cancel our entry without our consent (as at that time, we had our first trial). This being a school-set trial, they could have postponed it and let us shine... but no, they would rather throw a sixteen-year-old girl's hard work into the shredder. I was dismayed. My only shoulder to cry on at that time was my friend Hazwani, who saw me meticulously writing every single note down, who heard me singing to myself to get the tune right.

The worst part was, we never had an opportunity to perforn on Awards Day.

So it came to pass that my SPM was over, I left school, entered college, got my results, and sat down to my A-Levels. Somewhere in May they announced the songwriting competition in Assumption. There were prizes too. I was thrilled at the opportunity ; not because of the prizes, but rather, because I needed to start somewhere. I reckoned that this competition could be a platform for me. And immediately when my chouchou Daniel told me about the competition, I sat down to writing, finishing and fine-tuning the score every day. I grabbed every opportunity to complete it during breaks, late at night, or when I was alone in my little sanctuary.

The score was completed. Penned, to be exact. Nothing could remove it anymore. I brought it during one of the Sunset Band practices and I recorded the MIDI file. But I noticed that everytime I tried recording, the MIDI kept on disappearing from the memory stick. Not willing to give up, I saved it in the peripheral itself, and previewed it to the Sunset Band members. Hoping to get the members as backups or instrumentalists, I asked Uncle Raymund about it. He said, "This is not really my thing." I was sad. I had to fend for myself. The next week, the song disappeared from the peripheral memory. Cherryne and Daniel were willing to help me. I was hoping to get Chrishandra too... but suddenly...

...Mom landed in ICU, and I was never able to come for a single practice. That also meant that I had nowhere to record my song.

You may ask, why not record the song at home ? For the uninformed, I don't have anything to record it with. The only thing I have is my phone, and the recording quality is so bad, it's sensitive to surrounding interference. The only good thing is that the recording can be played back in QuickTime, but that's all.

Mom needed someone by her side, and I was there every single day. I tried to forget about the competition for a while, hoping that I may get back to record it. Then, just some weeks ago, Father Philip Muthu was talking about the songwriting competition. Tears flooded my eyes, and I said, "It is all over." The same thing happened yesterday morning.

Dad doesn't understand how I feel about this. Neither does Narin. But I want all of you to know, I joined the competition not because of the prizes, but because I wanted to do something good with this talent. People recognise young composers. 21-year-olds are overrated. 17-year-olds are impressive. I know that. And then again, I knew that if I could be successful in church, people would know me, and when I break into the music industry later, I'd get a strong fan base. Now, I have no one to listen to me, and I know a chance like this will never come again.

I do not know what God is doing to me. I help people. I thank God for lots of things. I pray from the heart. I stood by mom every single day without fail. No one knows how I cry myself to sleep when I think of what has befallen me. But this is my life. After all, I'm just a poor wayfaring composer, who is meant to be unheard. And I reckon that not even my college friends will take the time to listen to my voice. I'm a nobody. It's obvious.